Church for the successful: Thoughts on "Spiritual but not religious"
June 14, 2012
But it does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.
-Thomas Jefferson, Notes on Virginia, 1782
I just read two more blog posts criticizing those who don't go to church -not atheists or agnostics, but believers who consider themselves "spiritual, but not religious."
It's always amazing to me to see how criticized those people can be (I'll abbreviate as SBNR).
Now, I don't really see what the problem is. If person A is happy with their faith inside their church, and person B is happy with their faith outside a church, what harm is person B doing to person A? This is what reminded me of Jefferson's quote on religion. Person B is neither picking Person A's pocket nor breaking A's leg. If person A is happy in their church, what problem is it for A that B isn't in one?!
Now, it is understandable that the authors of the posts I read today would both be offended at SBNRs and wouldn't understand them. Both authors are priests so they're at the center of their communities. They're successful at church. Not only are SBNRs coming from a totally different angle, SBNRs are rejecting their brand.
Successful priests and ministers haven't sat in church looking at a sea of backs during the Sign of Peace. They haven't failed socially and volunteer-wise. They aren't totally incompetent at church politics.
They haven't had questions go, not only unanswered, but unacknowledged.*
Not that everyone that feels like a failure at church actually gives up and leaves.
I haven't.
And people who are (or could be) successful at church can also be SBNRs.**
I feel a close kinship to SBNRs, which is why I get really irritated when they're attacked. I understand feeling closer to God in nature. I find that I'm the most challenged, both in my beliefs and how I live them out, by many things that I read. There are lots of places outside of church to volunteer to help others. I'm researching more of those now - ones that younger son (13 yo) and I can do together.
I find a lot of disdain and and insider thinking in some (not all) religious posts about SBNRs. SBNRs supposedly aren't "accountable to the community." They're not challenged. They don't sacrifice for others. God is just an abstraction in their heads.
Really?! How many SBNRs do they actually know? How many have they actually quietly listened to and understood?
I suppose that, if you spend most of your time in church and most of your social attachments are there, you may not understand that these things - challenge, sacrifice, accountability - also take place in communities outside church circles.
Now, I'm writing this as a person who has been involved in church for the last thirty years. I also have friends and relatives who are SBNRs - and with whom I can have long and challenging conversations about God, faith, and how to live out that faith.***
I've also watched and listened as people I know who have been involved in churches, often for decades, have stopped going.
If one is successful at church - in leadership positions, with a network of church friends, challenged by the preaching and community, that's great.
But, if you're this kind of a church "have," why condemn the "have-nots?" Wouldn't you be happy enough with all that you have? Why attack those who are not similarly blessed? It often looks quite mean-spirited.
Going back to the beginning, if person A is in, why condemn person B who is not?
The only way I can understand is that, maybe, person A isn't totally happy in their church. If A is grinning and bearing it, feeling like they're dragging through the drudgery of their church life, then I can see that A could be bitter about B's freedom.
* Note that I say "successful" priests haven't. I would think that priests and ministers who have experienced these things would be more understanding of others.
** And, of course, SBNRs can find church just irrelevant to their spirituality.
** You could also make a case that I'm an SBNR who goes to church, but that kind of muddies the definition, doesn't it?
A lot of people may be reacting to the smug attitude of many SBNR's (not you guys), who often say they are SBNR as part of a dismissal of organized religions as outmoded, not worth the effort or time, or just self-interested and self-serving institutions whose time has passed. It's hurtful to have deeply meaningful parts of one's life dismissed like last week's cabbage.
There's also the sadness on the part of people who may look "successful," but who are really struggling just as much as anyone else, to hear people who claim to have their theological shit together, on their own, as it were, and who do not share their tips.
Probably most of the most influential Christian thinkers are a little edgy because they have a little SBNR in them; they get strength walking out in the woods or shooting the shit with their neighbors and high school friends, and they try to put their learning into language that can be accessed through the questions asked in and out of churches.
Personally, the only time I'm annoyed with SBNRs is when they claim special revelation that they are not sharing, because I wish they would, or they act as though people who bother with the mess of life in a church are just drudges and plastics, never touching the heart that beats through the jacked up local incarnations of Christ's body.
Also, maybe people just like SBNRs, but the SBNRs aren't around on a regular basis, so no one has a chance to enjoy them.
I think it's pretty inaccurate to assume that people in leadership positions and who feel free to smile and nod at the peace are successful Christians, presumably judging and blocking out the unsuccessful. That's just as judgmental an attitude as saying that those who do not participate in leadership positions or who are SBNR are inadequate persons of faith.
From the other side of the table, I can say that the difference between leaders and not leaders, for the most part, is that leaders can't freaking help it. We get together and talk about how cool it is that God loves all people, and we try to find ways to help people experience that love more often. I have never been in a meeting, and I have been in ever so many church leadership meetings, where a fellow leader said, "Oh, yeah, we don't like those quiet people," or "Definitely put so and so on the second class citizen list, because he is just popping in every now and then." But I have been in plenty of meetings where leaders have said, "Did you notice such and such quiet person looked sad lately? Has anyone talked with him or her? I want that person to know they are loved, and we are here for said person." A lot of times, it's really hard to be a leader, especially around shy people who assume as a way of life that one is judging them.
How does one tell a bird it has a lovely song without the bird flying away in fright? That's the heart of the matter, in my observation.
Posted by: Summer | June 14, 2012 at 04:13 PM
I don't think some SBNRs would be so quick to smugly dismiss churches if it weren't for the strong message that many churches and Christians emphasize that all Christians should be in a church. For instance, if I mention to people that I'm involved in musical theater, even if they don't care for it, the strongest reaction I get is along the lines of "That's... interesting..." Nobody usually pushes musical theater so there's no reason to push back.
The first one sentence paragraph made me grin because the only SBNRs I have trouble keeping in touch with are those that are in the throes of being busy with kids & jobs or that are working strange hours.
BTW, I didn't say "successful Christians," I said "successful at church." They're very different things. By "successful at church," I mean, for instance, people who can navigate the social situations and who are content enough with the dialogue to stay.
OTOH, is there such a thing as a successful Christian - besides Jesus himself? I would think that, historically, the most successful (which I can't think of in any other sense but "close to God"), Christians probably were even more aware of their drawbacks and their lack of success than most people - at least that's what I get from reading about the saints.
And I don't think that those who are successful at church are blocking others. My only criticism of the "successful" is when they criticize the unsuccessful who are no longer trying at church. Sometime, you just have to cut your losses...
I find the brief glimpse you give of church leadership quite interesting. I hope you're not referring to me as the shy person you mention. I turn half my personality off at church - the opinionated, argumentative, expressive, jazz hands part - but that's just because that half is inappropriate there. It used to bother one of my kids because we would go to church and I would disappear as far as they were concerned. I'm far more talkative in situations where my full personality can be engaged! 8)
Posted by: M Light | June 15, 2012 at 12:52 AM
Heck, no, I'm not veiling a reference to you. There are like 30% shy people, 75% neurotic people, and 27% total assholes at church. Also everyone else, in addition to those people already mentioned.
I think I totally see your point now, because I am so biased toward looking for Christians in a church setting that I read into your statement.
I wish you would engage your jazz hands at church. And sing your jazzy style. You have such a great voice when you sing for real instead of trying to smush your voice into a little polite church voice. I'm pretty sure we could handle it if you were yourself at church. But, then again, maybe church is restful to you when you don't have to be on?
If I ever stopped coming to church, it would be because I was too dang tired to get up on Sunday, not some theological reason. On the other hand, if the church would serve waffles after the service, I would probably go anyway, even if I was tired. Take note, because I'm pretty sure I just solved THE major problem with church attendance. I'm totally going to be interviewed for some magazine now.
Posted by: Summer | June 15, 2012 at 05:29 PM
I like your math there. :)
I'm more myself in choir than in the rest of church. It's actually not restful to not be myself because my internal censor is going a mile a minute.
Another thing that I don't think I've mentioned is that I find it difficult to do as much sitting as one has to do in church. When there are sit down events after the service, I feel sorry for people who are staying until I realize that everyone isn't as tired of sitting still as I am. Worshiping while hiking is good for me. :)
Posted by: M Light | June 19, 2012 at 10:51 AM