What On Earth Do I Think I'm Doing?/Christmas Eve service/Gigi

[Note:  I was going to make this a two part post for yesterday and today, but I ended up blogging about Terry Pratchett. Therefore, this will be another long post.]

I never blogged about church on Christmas Eve (and yes this does have relevance to today). 

Daughter was sick so we couldn't go to Mass at St. Leo's in Winston-Salem.  In fact, older son and I decided to go to our church, and dear husband decided (as a present to me) to come with us.  We've always gone to a Lutheran Christmas Eve service with my mother so this is the first time we've been to our church's later service.

Now, I should be used to sitting by myself at church by now since I've been doing it for at least two years, but I'm not.  Most of the time, I don't think about it, but this winter it's been really bothering me.  It's not that I'm alone at church since older son is up there in the choir, but it's still nice to be there with someone else in the pew. 

It was absolutely wonderful to be sitting with both of them.  I actually got teary a few times - at the beginning and again during Communion.  The service, of course, was beautiful.  At Lutheran, Christmas Eve services, the congregation lights candles for "Silent Night."  At our church, the candles were lit for all the Communion hymns and the closing prayer and hymn.  The candlelight part is always the highlight of a Christmas Eve service for me so this was great!

I was also surrounded by singing bloggers.  Of course, I was sitting between Color Sweet Tooth and Hamjamser (both basses).  Confessing Reader (also a bass) was sitting behind dear husband.  Breakfast with Pandora (tenor) was sitting in front of us.  Some Myrhh  was sitting on the other end of the pew in front of us - singing soprano descants with another choir member.  It was lovely to hear.

I also felt kind of at home there, which is unusual for me.  I try to remain positive, but I've had a difficult time there.  Being quiet with a tendency towards shyness, I usually get to know people at church by volunteering for things and gradually getting to know them.  Walking up to a table of strangers at a church dinner, introducing myself and joining them, is so far from anything I can even picture, much less do.  Unfortunately, I was turned down for everything I volunteered for at church so I've never gotten to know many people or really feel at home.  The people I do know there, I've gotten to know more through other activities - blogging, homeschool groups, and aerobics. 

After a while, I stopped volunteering for things because it was starting to affect my other social relationships.  I used to be extremely shy (to the point of paranoia) in junior high, and it took a lot of intentional hard work in high school, college, and afterwards to get to where I am now.  I was starting to get shyer again, and that wasn't good!  I decided I was done trying to get involved.  I'd try to get used to just going to church on Sundays, which is something I've never done in the over two decades I've been involved with churches as an adult.  It felt strange. 

Because dear husband and older son were in the choir (and because I played flute with the choir a few times), the choir doesn't seem as foreign to me as the rest of the church.  And the choir members are usually friendly.  But I still wouldn't casually walk into the choir room.

Last weekend, I felt totally out of place at church.  Why was I there?  Why was I going?  It wasn't just that I missed two Sundays due to the asthma/incense combination.  Actually, I wasn't really sure what it was.  People said hello; the people around me shook my hand at the sign of peace.  The problem was inside me, not outside (I later concluded that it had more to do with light box neglect than anything else).  I found it very difficult to be there.

That's one thread.  The other thread, which I won't elaborate on because that would make this even longer, is that I've been doing voice therapy since last summer.  It's been going very well, and it's almost over, although I, hopefully, will be taking voice lessons with the therapist afterwards.  I'm able to sing much better than I have in years.  In fact, it turns out that I'm really not an alto like I thought I was - I was just scared to sing too high because I thought it would hurt my voice.

Anyone see where I'm going with this? (grin)

After feeling so out of place, I came back from church last Sunday and told everyone that this dumb idea I'd had (but not told them) was definitely out of the question.  My dumb, previously untold, idea was to join the choir for Lent.*

The problem was that nobody else thought it was a dumb idea.  They all argued with me - even younger son.  My mother joined in at dinner that evening.  Daughter was the most persistent - and she's gotten really good at arguing!  She's cruel - she uses logic.  I shouldn't have given her those critical thinking and logic books.  She learned them too well. 

The result is that I e-mailed the choir director on Monday - fully expecting to be turned down again (they have lots of sopranos).  Like I was going to break my record?!

Ummm, yes.  I'm going to the rehearsal this evening.  In fact, next week, daughter is going to join too!

I know this is a silly post, really.  Joining the choir shouldn't be such a big idea - except for all the other issues I have around church.  I had a very difficult time, above, typing "our church."  I'm a registered member.  I put my check in the offering plate.  But it still feels presumptuous to me to type "our church" (I can handle "older son's church") because I've felt I don't belong.  Tonight's going to be a challenge. 

Song?  Of course I've got a song.  In Gigi, the main character (played by Leslie Caron) is worried about what will happen one particular evening (I won't give the story away).  She sings Say a Prayer for Me Tonight.

* Actually, I considered it for Advent, but that's way too busy a time.

[ I know - this post is angstier than usual.  But it kept me busy while daughter did her second two hour stint of driving.  She's exhausted!]

[ Oh, and thought Gigi had the song for the post, longtime readers may be able to guess what CD I'll be listening to on the way there to cheer myself up.  Particularly this song.]
 

Comments

[DF]

Welcome to choir from a blogging tenor. 8>D __o !

[M Light]

Thank you!