The Ideal Church Woman
October 01, 2006
I've been thinking this afternoon about "The Ideal Church Woman." I guess it's the ideal I've got in my own head (not the ideal that I necessarily want to be, but the ideal that seems desirable at churches) which is a result of books, sermons/homilies at churches, expectations I sense at churches, etc.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this "Ideal Church Woman" is more of a Protestant thing than a Catholic one. I guess the Catholic bar is higher because of Catholic theology - first, a woman has to have a large family (which leaves out most U.S. Catholics) and then she has to be patient with all those kids (which leaves out a large segment of the remaining Catholics). [Though, when you think about it further, the Catholic Church already has a paradigm of the ideal woman - except that she's Jewish and had only one Son.]
Another part of the view of the "Ideal Church Woman" found in books is that her children behave at church - which is easier in Protestant churches since they're more likely to have nurseries. Toddlers and preschoolers aren't designed to sit still so it's the rare mother (of little ones) at Mass who looks serene and contemplative! The last time I went to a daily service (switching denominations here), my preschooler told me (quite loudly), "I've got to poop!" - right in the middle of the Eucharistic prayer. Everyone heard it. Including the priest - who, having children of her own, just smiled and kept going. She even waited at the end of the distribution for me to get back - dear husband said that she probably realized how much I needed Communion!
Calmness, or at least a lack of excessive emotion, also seems to be a desirable trait for the ideal church woman - which leaves out those of us who feel like we could fly on beautiful days (like we've had recently), or who feel terribly gloomy when it's been raining for two weeks (I'm moody; I'll admit it). I always feel like I'm toning myself down at church. An appreciation for bawdiness (I'm a big fan of Bette Midler's)(though comparatively smaller in certain areas) or certain types of potty humor (if you missed it on the Pat and Stanley post) are not desirable either (though the latter helps with small boys).
Being organized is also important. One shouldn't get to church at the last moment because of realizing (almost too late) that someone hasn't showered or has clothes with holes on ("But it's my favorite shirt!")(It takes a while to teach young boys the proper dress for church)(The Catholic bar is lower here - though the clothes still should be intact.) And one shouldn't run out the door at the last minute for Wednesday night dinners - i.e. running out before changing out of the clothes used for gardening or running around with small boys (They weren't dirty, just old). Dressing properly is important. I try.
The feminine skills are also important. Decorating for special days, making things to bring to potlucks, or teaching religious education. None of which I'm good at. The things I am good at (teaching aerobics, gardening, hiking and camping, identifying wildflowers, reading widely, making up weird stories for small children, math) aren't exactly churchy skills. My one churchy skill, music, actually isn't all that useful since flutists are a dime a dozen in a church of any size (the ability to sing a wide range of Broadway songs is also not churchy)(Dancing them is even less so).
And religious education... My style of homeschooling is totally different than traditional religious education, and very rarely didactic. I discuss rather than direct, and no lesson is final. If something isn't understood, we can always get back to it later. I feel that often, if not almost always, my understanding where they're coming from and what they do understand is just as important as what I'm trying to get across. If I don't know where they're starting, how can I possibly help them to move on? My style does well for homeschooling, but I make a lousy classroom instructor. And I don't do well at following pre-set lessons.
Being outgoing is also quite useful for the ideal church woman. Large parish suppers don't work so well if you're best at talking to people one on one. Maybe if I'm really feeling gloomy this winter, I'll write a post titled, "Can Introverts Be Christians?"
On top of all this, the largest reason I'll never make an ideal church woman is that I don't put church high enough. Oh, I try occasionally, but I burn out pretty quickly. As I've mentioned before, one volunteer activity suffices for me.
About eighteen years ago, our marriage was going through a really rocky stage. It was the closest we ever got to splitting up. Dear husband was stressed at work, and I was having a very difficult time adjusting to staying home with a small child. We had extremely different expectations of our marriage at that point.
One weekend, a manager at work whom dear husband had helped offered us his lake house for a weekend. We went there and had nothing to do except swim, watch movies from the very small selection at the corner gas station/video store/fishing gear store, and talk. We did lots of talking. We decided that we'd give up all of our outside involvements in order to work on our marriage.
Dear husband had been involved in RCIA at the large Catholic church we attended, and they wanted him to be on the planning and leadership committee the next year. I had, through some strange twists of fate, ended up being the leader of the women's group. I was the treasurer for a local, inter-denominational, non-profit organization. All of them gradually went.
We made sure we didn't leave anything in the lurch and finished what was necessary. It took half a year to transition out of being the treasurer. Even so, the people we knew at church didn't understand why we were leaving these things. I didn't understand why they didn't understand. Did they expect that marriages just magically go on while you're busy with other things? Their marriages never took any time or effort? (Interestingly, our non-church friends understood and volunteered to babysit so we could have evenings out just the two of us.)
I don't think about these "Ideal Church Women" things all that much when I'm not at church - unless I'm reading books or weblogs that emphasize them. And I haven't thought about them much this summer because I haven't been to church since Father C retired. In July.
Why? Because Father C's replacement, while, I'm sure, being a good priest, seems to be much more the standard Catholic priest (speaking in standard Catholic cliches) from what I've seen that he's written in the bulletin (on-line) or in homilies at his previous parish (also on-line). While I will try to give him a chance (the necessity of which Father C pounded into our heads the last few months before he left), I'm not quite ready to do so yet. And I won't be back at the Episcopalian church again until older son gets back into singing with the choir regularly (he's only sung once so far this fall).
But, as I look at going back this fall, possibly easing in by going to Mass in the mountains on vacation, I end up facing my "un-churchyness" again. It's more apparent in some church situations than in others, but it's always there. Not that I'd want to be different than I am - I enjoy our friends and neighbors, family and jobs, and all the other things I do in daily life. Yes, I'm odd, but it generally works - except at church.
This is what motherhood does to you. I am very introverted (I really have to be drawn out) and at times I really don't look forward to church, although I know I need it. I really hate socializing with people at first, so I may even appear rude. I try though. I so understand your plight.
Posted by: Rachel W | October 02, 2006 at 07:55 AM
I can handle services - it's the large group activities that overwhelm me. I do best at churches where I can get involved in volunteering or that have small group programs.
Strangely enough, I found that I actually became less introverted when I became a mother and started staying home with a baby. I started needing to talk to other adults - rather than having too much conversation!
Posted by: M Light | October 02, 2006 at 10:31 PM