Moomin Light

It's Just Mean

We've never had a political sign in our yard before.  I don't like any candidates enough to actually put up a yard sign or put a bumper sticker on my van.*  I'm of the hold-your-nose-and-vote party.

However, Amendment One is different.  I picked up a yard sign a month ago.  I voted during one of the first few early voting days.  Everyone here has voted early, except for younger (13 yo) son, who said that he wished he could vote against it.

For those who are not in NC, Amendment One reads: 

Constitutional Amendment to provide that marriage between one man and one woman is the only domestic legal union that shall be valid or recognized in this State.

Amendment One makes me so angry because it's unnecessary, frivolous, badly written, un-American, un-Biblical, bigoted, and immoral.

• Unnecessary:  Gay marriage isn't legal in NC anyway.  There's a 1996 law saying that same-sex marriages aren't valid in NC.  This is just enshrining this law in the NC Constitution.  
• Frivolous:  NC used to be a great place to find jobs.  Now, unemployment in NC is fifth highest in the nation.  Traditional, working-class, NC jobs in industries like tobacco and textiles have disappeared, and they haven't been replaced.  We have environmental issues, health issues, infrastructure issues, etc.  Yet, we're wasting time, money, and energy on an unnecessary amendment!
• Badly written:  The intended consequences are bad enough, but the wording could lead to various unintended consequences.  Children may lose insurance, cohabitating couples may lose domestic violence protections. 
• Un-American:  I have yet to read or hear a good argument for the amendment.  Most rely on religious premises - establishing state policy based on the religious values of some churches (Some arguments rely on tradition).  You can practice your religion all you want - you can't strait-jacket others with it.  This nation was founded on freedom of religion.
• Un-Biblical:  Those in favor say that we need to keep to a Biblical view of marriage.  Really?  Old Testament or New Testament?  If we're talking Old Testament, then we need to legalize polygamy  (and we need to close all the restaurants down at the coast that serve those delicious shellfish).  If we're talking New Testament, then, according to Matthew 19:  8 - 10, divorce should be illegal.  My apologies to those who are divorced for pointing this out, but, there it is, in the first book of the New Testament.  If you're going to be Biblical, don't just pick and choose. 
• Bigoted:  There is no logical way around that last argument.  I've looked. I have yet to read a logical argument which allows heterosexual divorce but prohibits gay marriage.  If you have one, please mention it in the comments.  Traditional views of marriage didn't used to allow divorce.  Churches didn't used to allow divorce.  Churches didn't even used to approve of artificial birth control. 

I do not throw the word bigoted around lightly.  I use in this case because same sex couples are being held to a Biblical standard that heterosexual couples are not held to - and the vast majority of the arguments for the Amendment are religious.  If the Amendment said that marriage was between only one man and one woman (i.e. no divorce), it would sink without a trace. 

• Immoral:  Why should marriage change for people who are straight but not for people who are gay and lesbian?  Why should the majority gain the freedom to expand their ability to marry, remarry, and conduct their marriages as they want (birth control) but the minority cannot marry at all?!  It's not because of the Bible, because we allow for divorce under any circumstances which is not Biblical.  It's not because of tradition, because we've changed plenty of traditions regarding marriage (nobody wants to go back to the symbolism regarding the white wedding dress!).  Is there any explanation besides a bigotry which says that divorce is okay because straight people are like us, but same sex marriage is bad because those people are different?

The 1996 law was bad enough.  Now, the amendment would enshrine bigotry in the NC Constitution.  This time I wasn't holding my nose and voting.  I was voting while breathing fire. 

The robo-calls on my phone today have said "All children need a mother and father."  So - we're going to what - forbid divorce? - go back to shotgun marriages?  No, this need for a mother and father applies only to the children of same sex couples.  The commonly heard rhetoric for this Amendment makes no sense.

Quite frankly, I don't understand why people have a problem with same sex marriage in the first place.  Fears of rampaging hordes of gay and lesbian customers registering china patterns?  If two people of the same gender get married, you have another marriage.  That's it. 

I'm not impartial on this one.  I have too many friends and relatives who are gay and lesbian.  I've heard their stories and the ways they've been hurt.  This unnecessary Amendment just hurts them further and enshrines their second-class status. 

It's just mean. 

•  I've written this post in my head for the last few weeks, but I can't type it out to be as good as I would like so I'm going to leave it as it is.  Maybe I should have just posted this video instead - he says it so much better than I have.  Here is Reverend Dr. William J. Barber, the pastor of Greenleaf Christian Church in Goldsboro, NC speaking on the Amendment [Hat tip to the friend who posted it on Facebook]:

 

* My only (current) bumper sticker says:  "Got Moose?"

 

Legs

In junior high school, while sitting in slow classes and having way too much time to think about other things, I would look down at my thighs in disgust.  They were too wide there - flattened out on the chair.

For years, I've hated my legs.  They're actually short for the length of my torso, although that does make it easier for me to lean over and put my hands flat on the floor.  It makes buying pants even more difficult than it would already be with my hips and waist.  If pants fit in the hips, the waistband sticks way out.  If pants fit in the waist... well, I'd never know because I wouldn't be able to get them over my hips.  Shopping for pants is second in unpleasantness only to shopping for shoes. 

Clothes aren't made for my legs.  They've never looked skinny, even when I only weighed 102.  Those who say that women's muscles don't bulk up when they work out haven't seen my calves.   I'm also shorter than most people.

Recently, when I ask one of the four family members who are taller than I am to get somthing from an upper shelf, I add "Because I've got these short stubby legs."   I'm joking... sort of.

One Biblical character I've always enjoyed is Zacchaeus, who, being "short of stature," climbed up into a tree to see Jesus.  

I could look at things differently, though.  These are the legs that enabled me to run around parks and play with my kids as they were growing up.  They're the legs that hike up mountains.  They're the legs that wander all over cities.  They're the legs that garden. They're the legs that taught aerobics for sixteen years.  They're the legs that did musical theater even when scar tissue from my first knee surgery kept my kneecap from moving normally. 

They're the legs that dance.

My legs rock.

 

Musical interlude

Really longtime readers of my blog will know what song is coming next, There's Lightning in These Thunder Thighs, written by Cynthia Emmets, and performed here by Saffire:  The Uppity Blues Women:

• To hear Cynthia Emmets singing her song go to her American Songspace page and do a search for the song.  She actually posted a coment on my blog the last time I posted the song!

 

Why I'm not returning to the Catholic Church anytime soon

A Catholic friend on Facebook asked her Protestant friends to answer in one sentence what is keeping them (or would keep them) from becoming Catholic. 

I answered in one word (which we'll get to later), but here's the rest of the essay.

I'm in the Episcopalian Church.  Am I Episcopalian?  Am I Protestant?

Yes.

No.

Sort of?

I will say that I'm an Episcopalian choir member.  That is familiar to me!  On the rare occasions that I do things outside of choir in the church, there are so many things that seem unfamiliar to me, or that I just don't share in.  I'd say that, cuturally, I'm not really Episcopalian. I don't know the dance steps, and I get them all wrong. 

Of course, you could say that, culturally, I'm Lutheran since I grew up in the Lutheran Church, but I haven't regularly gone since high school so I'm not really Lutheran.  I'm in the Episcopalian Church so I can't be Catholic, but the American Catholic Church culture is far more familiar to me since I was in it for 20 years.

Anyway...

For me, it's not just what would keep me from joining the Catholic Church, it's what would keep me from returning. 

It's a timely question in a way.  A few months ago, we went to daughter's Catholic church in Asheville.  In some ways, it felt like coming home.  Even though we'd never been at this parish before, it felt familiar in a way that our Episcopalian church - outside of choir - has never felt familiar.

Her church was also very warm and welcoming.  Everyone around us shook our hands at the Sign of Peace - even those that were separated by a pew or two.  The priest came up and talked to me afterwards!*  It was the longest conversation I've had with a priest in over twenty years! 

There was a part of me that felt... alive just as a member of the congregation in a way that I don't normally feel outside of choir (of course, choir is far better yet).

There are things I miss.  I miss the ease of volunteering for ministries (in the Catholic Church, there aren't all that many volunteers so ministries are almost never closed).  I miss the... feel, for lack of a better word, of a community oriented Catholic parish like daughter's.  I do know the steps there.  They may not always be natural to me, but at least I know what they are.  I miss the more concrete homilies.  I miss Father C's focus on God's Love. 

I miss regular Daily Mass.  Daily Services at the Episcopalian church wander all over the schedule so I never know how to try to fit them in from one month to the next. 

But I wouldn't go back at this point - not for a long time.  Why?

First:  The music.

The most common current American Catholic church music is referred to as "Folk music."  I'm very familiar with folk music, having steeped myself in it for thirty years.  What most of the Catholic churches use use is folk/pop - most often sounding like the songs are 60's and 70's vintage.  There was one new song that we sang at Mass once which was soooo 1970's Barry Manilow that I looked to the end to see if the music had his trademark upwards modulation.  It didn't - until the choir sang the chorus an additional time at the end and modulated upwards.  I couldn't keep from laughing. Dear husband and I looked at each other, and I burst out (quietly) with You know I can't smile without you.

Not to say that it's all bad.  There are a number of Catholic "folk" hymns that I like, but there are so many bad ones.  Also, for some reason, Catholics can't sing entire hymns.  They only sing selected verses ("But the hymn is only three verses long!  Why do we have to skip one?!"(Actual family quote)).

Classical musicians, or Catholics who like classical music, or those who even just want to improve the music that is there, are told to "offer it up."**  Now, I consider that offering up is a very important part of my prayer life, but, in this situation, it's just an admonishment to put up with it.  Catholic musicians can get very self-righteous about the "folk" music.  No, my dislike of Catholic "folk" music doesn't mean that I dislike folk music - which I love.  It doesn't even mean that I dislike 70's pop music.  I just dislike bad music.  It's a shame you have to fill your Church with it.

I did offer it up - for 20 years of lousy music.  There was one church where we joked about the cantata for choir versus cantor - which was basically how the music went.  That was also where I didn't volunteer to play the flute because I wouldn't know which of the four out-of-tune guitarists to try to tune with. 

In the Episcopalian church, I was so happy to find that there are numerous other hymns to sing in Advent besides Pre-e-e-pare ye the Way of the Lord.  As much as I love Pippin and Wicked (written by the same songwriter), I would be so happy to never hear that hymn again because of its Catholic Advent overuse.  It's okay the first 500 times through, but after that...

[Although, if we could sing it while splashing around in a fountain, as they do in the linked video, it would be more enjoyable, although cold in December.]

I figure I'll spend twenty years enjoying and singing beautiful church music, then, maybe, I'll reconsider.  After 20 years of wandering in the musical desert, I'm enjoying the oasis.

Also, I have no interest in leaving my current church.  I love singing in the choir.  Everybody is friendly, the music is wonderful, and the choir director is fantastic (he's also a composer and we get to sing his compositions!).  Even when older son graduates and if moves off, I'll still stay in choir. 

Second:  I wouldn't return to the Catholic Church in the next five to nine years because, although he was baptized in the Catholic Church by Father C, for the last nine years, younger son, has grown up in the Episcopalian church.  Now, culturally, he's less Episcopalian than I am.  He has no interest in learning the steps of the social dance.  However, when I mentioned this post to him, he said that he wouldn't want to join a Church where women couldn't be priests, and he remembers enough of the Catholic music (and has heard it recently) that he far prefers Episcopalian music. 

I was actually quite surprised at how strongly he felt about the music, but he's spent a lot of time in the choir room!

In the Catholic Church, he can't, and wouldn't, be able to receive Communion until he went through a year-long class.

Which brings me to the unpleasant subject of...

Sacramental preparation.

I went through Confirmation classes in the Lutheran Church.  I went through RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults) when I joined the Catholic Church.  I went through Baptism preparation for three children (although by the third, the Director of Religious Education jokingly asked if we wanted to help teach).  I sat through the parents' parts of older son's First Communion/First Reconciliation classes (and listened to his complaints about the kids's parts).  Daughter had the same classes in a different parish.  I went through JIF (Journey in Faith) when we joined the Episcopalian church, and older son went through the teen Confirmation version. 

For the first part of the session, teens and adults were together.  Older son only had to poke me to wake me up once.

I don't think I have the patience for another round of Sacramental Prep.  The only ones that I found useful were RCIA when I joined the Catholic Church, and daughter's First Communion/First Reconciliation class.  They were the ones that, not only had a good deal of concrete information, they also had enough interaction to get questions answered.***  I don't find that the Preparation classes usually go in depth enough for me - or for my kids.  Older son was patient with the confirmation class that didn't have time for teens to question, but I knew that daughter wouldn't have any patience with that. She decided that she would join a church as an adult. 

Younger son is even more critical of classes than daughter and I are.  I didn't think that was possible! 

Third:  At this point, I'm at home when I go to choir and when I sing in the choir on Sundays.  I finished the second half of this post after getting home from choir.  I'll miss everyone in the choir in a few weeks as it ends for the summer, and I'll look forward to seeing them all again in the fall.  As much as I enjoyed visiting daughter's Catholic parish, I have no drive to leave the Episcopalian Church or to return to the Catholic Church myself.  I've gotten to like the familiar rhythms of the Episcopalian church.  I love the beauty of the services.  It's not just the big things - I'd miss the trees I see out the window opposite the choir section.  Older son, younger son, and I all agree that it would be so difficult to lose the beautiful Episcopalian music.  The two of them are so firm on the subject that, if I ever returned, it would be solo, and I don't want that.

 

*  I'm used to priests talking to dear husband, but he was in the restroom.  The priest was actually talking to me!

** For those of you non-Catholics, this means offering up your sufferings as a prayer.

***  For me, both information and interaction are necessary for a good Sacramental Prep. class.  Older son's First Communion class was very interactive, but had very little that was concrete beyond "God loves flowers."  JIF had lots of information, and a wonderful small group section, but there was never any time to get questions answered (We came up with LOTS of questions in our small group). 

Why am I such a failure?

I can't relax because to relax is to fail.

Feeling like a failure is not a new thing to me, but not being able to relax because of it is.

When I was homeschooling all three kids, I could relax - when I got a chance - because I felt good about what we'd accomplished that day or week, even if it was just a good walk and conversation at Duke Gardens.  Even last spring, when I was only homeschooling younger son, we were busy together so I could relax when we weren't doing things together.

This spring, younger son is in the 13 yo "hibernate-in-your-room" stage.  We see him at meals and, occasionally, for other things.  I know it's a stage - daughter mentioned that at that age all she wanted to do is read in her room, and she's so busy in college that she doesn't have time to read things outside her classwork. 

We take a break from formal homeschooling for the nice weather in the spring and the fall.  It's a quieter break than usual because younger son is so solitary.  I should be enjoying this as a time to relax, garden, read, blog, etc. 

Instead, I'm spending a good bit of it feeling like a failure.  If I'm homeschooling or even doing casual things like hikes with my kids or dear husband, I feel like I'm accomplishing something important.  If I'm not doing something with them - on a day mostly to myself - it doesn't matter how much I do, I feel like a failure. 

Between yesterday and today, I got a good bit of the house cleaned up, straightened up things in the yard, organized a bunch of things including upcoming trips, and I feel like a failure.  It doesn't matter how many non-family-interactive things I do, it never feels like enough. 

Even if I try to relax, I mostly just spend the time feeling like a failure for not getting things done.  The only way around that is to play obsessive rounds of computer games. 

I feel like I'm actually relaxing less now than when I was homeschooling all three.  I don't feel like I deserve to relax.

I wrote a comment on the post, When Your Kid is an Introvert (ish), at Introverted Church this morning.  I lost it because my aging computer can't handle whatever the website needed for posting a comment (I don't deserve a new computer, though)(I've already updated Firefox, and it works worse than before). 

Part of the comment merges in with this current post, though.  I wrote about how, even though older son is much more introverted than I am, he actually interacts with people better.  Except for close friends and close family, I approach most social interactions as tests, in which, I'm either going to fail, or, maybe, do okay.  I never do well.  I should have listened better, made better responses, had more energy, or talked (listened) longer.  Or, HORRORS, I actually slipped up and let one of my own opinions out rather than just reflecting their opinions back. 

On the other hand, as introverted as he is, older son just enjoys people.  He may need lots of time to himself later, but he approaches social interactions as enjoyable experiences, not tests with a very likely risk of failure (my approach). 

This is one thing that amazes me about all three of my kids.   People like them, which amazes me because how can someone as unlikeable as myself have kids that people like?!  Obviously, it comes from somewhere else on their genetic background.  

Socially, I have to work really hard to reflexively listen to people and always do what they want - not to be liked (I never expect that), but just in order to get along. 

A year ago, I went to one of the "meet the Rector" lunches that we had at our church.  We started out going around the table and introducing ourselves - maybe a 45 second introduction. 

45 seconds, and I was interrupted by others.  Twice. 

Nobody else was interrupted.

The rest of the lunch didn't go all that well, either.  I'm not great at Episcopalian small talk.  I came home feeling like a failure and mentioned it on Facebook. 

I got a number of commiserations, but I also had one wise friend mention that, if others were interrupting me, it sounds like I was not the one failing in social interactions.

Oh.

Here's the part where I say that I learned something about social interactions from that friend, but I didn't really.  I still expect lots out of myself - particularly in expecting myself to always adjust to what other people want.  To do anything else but adjust seems selfish. 

[Oh, I have a two part post about some really throught provoking blog posts I ran across last week on church and community.  I didn't post it so as not to offend anyone.]

[By the way, I'm not insulting you by saying you don't want your thoughts provoked.  You'd probably be fine with what they wrote; it's my writing that's the problem.]

[Yesterday, on the way to early voting, I wrote a post in my head about the absolutely unneccessary, un-Biblical, immoral, and bigoted North Carolina Amendment that is up for a vote in two weeks.  I didn't even write the post because it's too opinionated and might offend someone.  [Oooops!  Too late.]]

By the way, even though I gardened for an hour this morning, I'm currently a failure because I'm inside writing on the computer rather than out in the sun gardening.  I'm also a failure because I don't take long hikes like a real hiker (Our hikes generally aren't longer than 3-4 miles, and they're often shorter.).  I don't read enough so I'm a failure. I don't practice flute/voice enough so I'm a failure.  I'm a 50 year old who dances so I'm a failure.*

Even the fun things turn into occasions of failure. 

Last summer, during the summer, community theater musical, I was not only in the general dance scene, with about 30 other cast members, I was in the featured dance group.  I both beat myself up mentally for being a failure at the dancing and kept going anyway because the dancing was so much fun. 

Was I doing a bad job at the dancing?  Actually, probably not.  I remembered all the choreography and got at least some of the style into it.  I practiced it lots at home.  But...

I was the only one anywhere near my age in the (around) thirty person dance section and in the six person featured group.  I think the next oldest dancer was 15 years younger than I was, and most of them were in their teens and 20's.  WTF was a, shall we say non-skinny, 49 year doing dancing with them?!  I was a failure just by dancing.  Everyone else near my age was watching the dancers in the dance scene (which you can see an early rehearsal of on Facebook.  I hesitated to post a link because this was taped the last run-through of the evening, and I was tired and losing focus.  Daughter, older son, and I are all wearing green. Daughter is in the front at the beginning, and older son and I are on the right in the second part.  Older son is not the prince, who is also wearing green.)(Here's a link to a photo where we've all fallen down from exhaustion after the dance.  I'm in dark blue in front of the prince's feet.)(My, that dress makes me look curvy.  I loved that dress.)

Ooops, sorry for the digression.  Anyway, I was too old to be dancing, but it was too fun to pass up.  As is obvious from that digression, I'm also a failure for enjoying things too much.  Part of the reason I'm so quiet in person is that I get too enthusiastic about things.  That's one thing I like about my blog - I can bubble over about something without looking at people rolling their eyes.

[Of course you may be rolling your eyes right now, but I can't see it so it's your problem.]

[I'm gaining a bit of attitude by writing this post, aren't I?]

By the way, absolutely NOBODY in the community theater EVER said anything about my being older - well, except for daughter and older son who told me that I was being silly and to stop worrying about it.

I felt like I was holding my breath for the last week.  I auditioned for this summer's musical last Monday evening.  The chorus supposed to be only half the size of last year's chorus.  I was really worried that I wouldn't get in.  Yes, I can dance, somewhat, and sing in harmony (on-key), but I'm not good at acting. 

Older son graduates from college next year so this could be his last summer musical here. 

It's also a good part of my social life for the year.  Strangely, since acting is a new thing for me, I do feel like I can be myself there. 

I wanted to be in it so badly.  I could hardly concentrate on anything all week (boy, was I a failure!).

I found out yesterday evening that I'm in the chorus (so is older son, but he's good at singing and acting).  I was so happy I cried.

There are two things I can when I'm a failure.  I can either attitude myself out of it, which I, surprisingly, appear to have done here.  I can also embrace the failure.  I'm a lousy person/Christian/Episcopalian/whatever.  As a result, it doesn't really matter what I do - I'm a failure - so I might as well do whatever I think is best or whatever I feel like.

 

* Although, I was often criticized by other teenagers/college students for not being a typical teenager/college student.  I've never been good at acting my age.  

Drama king with a gun and a laptop

Sigh.  North Carolina has beautiful (and cold, this past weekend) mountains, a lovely coast, and the in-between is pretty nice too.  We have the NC symphony (and lots of local ones), numerous science museums, a great state art museum (and lots of local ones), the largest private residence in the world (where there were daffodils blooming by a stream, even on this cold weekend), etc.  I've loved living here for over thirty years, and I get very grumpy about stereotypes regarding the "backwardness" of North Carolina.

On Saturday  morning, before heading to Asheville to celebrated daughter's and older son's birthdays, I checked the local news for the weather one more time.  There was a headline about an NC man shooting his daughter's laptop along with another headline about an SUV crashing into a local furniture store.

Darwin award time?!

At least the second article didn't deserve a Darwin Award because the floor mat got tangled up in the pedals. 

I had to wonder about the first one, though.  What kind of an idiot goes around shooting a computer?  Not only did I not have time to read the article, I also didn't want to read another article that would give people the impression that North Carolinians are backwards and thoughtless.

I had a wonderful weekend (more on that in another post) spent wandering around Asheville, eating in good (and warm!) restaurants, having long conversations, sitting with dear husband at the hot tub in the hotel (no, not that romantic - there were four active elementary school age girls playing Marco Polo in the larger pool at the time), going to Mass at daughter's church, and, most of all, enjoying having my family together.  I didn't think about the news at all. 

Imagine my surprise when, getting home happy, but tired, I got online to wind down just to find that this person had made a video of himself, and it had gone viral.  Facebook friends were mentioning it all over the place. 

For those of you who haven't read about it, you can go do something else and remain blissfully unaware what happened is this:  The daughter posted a rant about her parents to her Facebook friends.  She doesn't want to do chores, she wants to be paid, and she likes to swear. 

I bet you've never heard of a teen like that before.

I hope the sarcasm is obvious. 

The father posted a video of his response, including reading her post, refuting it, and shooting her computer.

A few points:

• Her post was meant to be private for only her friends.  The post was not available to the general public, and he only read it because he was updating her computer.  He says that, because of what has happened in the past, she should have expected him to be reading her Facebook posts. 

However, he does not say that he ever told her that the punishment for her private Facebook posts would be to have them read, quite publicly, on YouTube. 

• He shows a printout of her post, which is quite long for a Facebook post.  Given that many people don't like to read more than a few paragraphs on the internet, few of her friends probably finished reading it.  Far more people have encountered it on his video. 

• The chores that he says she does are not unusual.  Our older kids had more chores when they were her age (15 yo).  Have they always enjoyed doing chores?  Of course not.  I don't either.  I even might complain about my chores occasionally.  

There's a balance there, however.  My kids know that I won't put up with much whining.  In fact, we often quote a line from a Maura O'Connell concert when she mentions that she can't stand whining. I try not to complain too much.    However, you need to vent occasionally. 

Was her complaint bratty and potty-mouthed.  Yes.  Might she be embarrassed about it in a few years?  Hopefully. 

• Is she complaining about things which seem trivial given his experiences and responsibilities?  Yes.  That's part of being a parent.  You understand things about the seriousness of life that your kids HOPEFULLY don't understand yet. 

• She was quite a drama queen about her complaints, which isn't genetically surprising given his reaction.  Shooting a computer (with expensive bullets!) and posting it on YouTube is definitely a drama king reaction.  It sounds like something out of The Onion (a satirical news site).

For the rest of his life, when this IT professional applies for a job, companies will Google him and find this.  Even if he takes the video down, the news articles and blog posts will remain.   If you had to choose between applicants for an IT job, which would you choose - someone who has a very innocuous public profile, or someone who embarrasses himself and his daughter, quite publicly on the Internet, and demonstrates his self control by shooting a laptop?

Other views at:

• The Reticulated Writer:  Daddies with Guns
  
• Breakfast with Pandora:  Teenage heroes and Teenage hubris

Madonna on the Half-time*

We often spend Super Bowl Sunday out hiking because the woods are so peaceful and deserted.  This year, we spent it at my mother's house having a wonderful time celebrating older son's birthday.  I totally forgot that the Super Bowl was going on.

However, when people started debating Madonna's performance in long conversations yesterday on Facebook, I knew I had to go check it out.

I've been a longtime Madonna fan and also a longtime not Madonna fan.  I enjoy her catchy pop tunes, and we have her Immaculate Collection CD.  However, as a performer, she seems very cold, even in her sexy performances, so I'm never really drawn into them.  I wasn't predisposed to either like or dislike her Super Bowl performance.

After reading all the comments yesterday, I went to look up the YouTube video today. 

Verdict:  It was a very enjoyable spectacle.  She had a good selection of songs,** good guest artists, fantastic dancers, and she still holds the stage as commandingly as ever.  As usual, I found her very distancing, but she's performing in front of millions of people, in person and offline, so I certainly wouldn't expect her to be more personal!

Really, the first time I got emotionally connected to the performance was when the LMFAO*** guys appeared.  I've found their videos very funny and over the top (possible future Friday Fun Songs) so I giggled when they came on. Okay, and when the gospel choir started singing, I got chills up and down my spine because I love gospel singers - so, for me, it was a better Madonna performance than usual.  She really seemed to be enjoying herself singing Like a Prayer - more than in the rest of the performance.

Responses to specific criticisms I've read:

• She's too old to keep doing this.  I actually watched the video with this in mind.  She's three years older than I am, and I certainly wouldn't do that kind of a show (of course, I wouldn't have in my 20's either).  If you didn't know she was 53, and you just watched her performance, how old would you say she is?  You can use this photo for reference.   Was she too saggy?  Certainly didn't show in that outfit - and it would have.  Her face doesn't show many lines.  The only criticism that makes any sense is that her dancing isn't as sharp as it used to be.  Her dancing isn't the main point of the spectacle, though, so that's not so important.  There were plenty of good dancers in the spectacle. Which leads to...
• She couldn't do everything the younger dancers could.  No, she can't.  That's why they're there, and they were wonderful.  They can't be Madonna either, which is why they aren't headlining a Super Bowl performance. 
• She lip synced.  So does everyone in the Macy's Day parade.  Maybe Sir Paul McCartney didn't lip synch his Super Bowl performance, but did he do cartwheels (assisted or not?).  Madonna's act is not one designed around singing, it's designed around motion and spectacle.  As fit as she is, very few singers can move that much and sing their best at the same time. 
• [By the way, spectacle and distancing don't have to be mutually exclusive.  Bette Midler can put on quite the spectacle, but she still seems personal.]
• She should have ended with a dance floor classic for an upbeat finale rather than Like a Prayer.  I As much as I enjoyed that section, I thought it was surprising to finish with that.  The more I watch it, though, the more that turns out to be my favorite part. 
• Predictable, boring and narcissistic.  Predictable?  You expected the Roman theme?  Boring.  No, there was too much going on.  Narcissistic?  She's a pop star.  Isn't narcissism part of the job description?
• She was wobbly in the four inch heels.  She had a hamstring injury from a recent rehearsal.  Short of redoing the choreography and costume in the last few days before the Super Bowl, they just had to deal with it. 
• I don't want to see someone my mother's age flashing their panties!  Sigh.  I didn't notice the panty flash until the third time I watched it.  I guess I was too busy watching other things.  People disapproved of Madonna's conical bras and sexuality in the 80's.  They disapproved of her book, Sex, in the 90's.  Why would she stop being controversial now?  She paved the way, pop music-wise, for the display of sexuality from current singers.  When Lady Gaga flashes her panties in a performance in 2039, it will be because Madonna did it first. 

[More, possibly, tomorrow]

*  Title is a play on Madonna-on-the-half-shell, a kind of yard ornament.

** Though I wish her current single didn't have the cheerleader part.  It's a good song otherwise. 

***  Which I prefer to think of as "Lilies may flower all over" Original story for the name here - it comes from a grandmother. :)

What's with some people?!

There are few bargains as good as a pizza buffet for a teenage boy.  Of course, the fact that I don't eat that much pizza balances things off so we're probably breaking even once you average younger son's pizza consumption and mine.  Still, it's satisfying to take younger son (just turned 13 yo) to the Pizza Hut buffet and tell him to eat to his heart's content. He might not even get hungry again for... maybe 2 hours?!

When we got to the buffet, they didn't have many pizzas I liked (I think their thin crust tastes like cardboard) so I got a spoonful of the macaroni & cheese to try.  We haven't been to the buffet in about two years so I didn't remember what it tasted like.  The woman next to me turned to me, looked me in the eye, and loudly said, "It's just WRONG to get mac & cheese at a pizza buffet!"

I certainly didn't want a conversation with her, but to be polite and make some response, I offhandedly said that I was just trying it.  She couldn't let it go, however, and repeated, "It's still just WRONG!"*

Of course, about two hours later, I realized that I should have replied, "It's just WRONG to make comments about the eating habits of total strangers at a buffet!"

At least younger son and I had a good laugh and a long conversation about bad manners. 

What would you have replied?

 

* She probably really wouldn't have approved of my trip to the salad bar.

"The Day The LOLCats Died" - Chris Parker

Today, websites are being blacked out, and bloggers and internet companies are speaking out - all against two badly written laws currently making their way through Congress.

Scientific American's blog has a good summary, What's Next in the SOPA Fight?:

...But the real power in the bill is not in the powers it gives the courts. Rather, the bill creates a system of incentives whereby the mere accusation of copyright infringement is enough to block a site entirely. The law gives immunity to ISPs, financial transaction providers and search engines who voluntarily block web sites accused of infringement. And if they don’t block those sites? Then they, too, may be held legally culpable for the infringing activity. The laws also contain no penalties or disincentives for copyright holders to avoid falsely accusing others of infringement... [italics and bold are mine]

All based on an accusation?!  No.  Our country is based on innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. 

I'm not blacking out, though.  I'm doing what I do - posting music (with apologies to Don McLean):

• The story behind the making of the song

[Hat tip to the author of Books and Movies]

 

Really?! I can't picture it.

I recently read Art of Stress-Free Living as part of my ongoing project to keep my blood pressure down naturally.  The introduction started out with various examples of the effects that stress produces on the body.  The book was going along fine until, on page 18, the author said:

Mounting evidence suggests that any number of soothing emotional experiences can improve our physical health.

So far so good.  That makes sense.

Then the author went on to say:

At Duke University, researchers have found that religious observance is associated with lower rates of illness and hospitalization. 

What?!

Now, if it meant that religious observance gave you a healthier diet or maybe helped you be more disciplined in exercising, I could understand that. 

However, the paragraph goes on to discuss optimism and the relaxation response.  Why would religious observance be in a paragraph that starts out discussing "soothing emotional experiences?!"

The only soothing things I've ever found about churches are daily Mass/daily services and Compline.  Neither are part of regular religious observances.

Why would religious observances be mentioned at all in a book about being "stress-free," or even about just reducing stress?

What's the first thing you do on a Sunday morning? - okay, besides yell at your kids to get out of bed because they'll MAKE YOU LATE!!!!!!

Figure out what you're going to wear.  What are the right clothes?  If you're the sort that dresses church-y all week, you're in luck.  If you're the sort who feels like a drag queen when you put on a dress, you're not.  Church also depends on healthy feet and legs.  The sorts of shoes appropriate for church clothes rarely are good if you have feet/knee/hip problems.  Given my knee surgery and my past history of sprained ankles, I wear running shoes most of the time.  Those aren't appropriate for church.  After my knee surgery, however, I totally gave up on dress shoes.  I now go halfway - I wear jazz dance shoes to church.  They have more support but don't look as sports-y.  They still don't look church-y, though.

I've failed before I've even left the house.

At least my kids are older so, when they go, it's not stressful.  When they were younger?!  Older son had colic for 4 months.  At least he could be distracted by toys and books from a fairly young age.  Daughter wouldn't sit still at all after she learned how to crawl.  By the time the first hymn had ended, I was already at the back of the church (after turning her away from the front a few times) trying to keep her from disassembling the Virgin Mary alcove.  We were really bad Catholics and finally gave up on Mass for about 18 months.  Church with small kids is definitely not stress reducing!

Along with missing Mass that year, there are so many parts of religious observances that I have failed. 

Church politics?

Epic fail.  I'm no good at politics.

Social?

I have to turn off half of my personality* to get by at any church.  I find it somewhere between difficult and impossible to get beyond acquaintance-ship at churches.  I already failed at being involved in community at church so there's no reason to waste time on that again - either trying it or writing about it. 

Kids?

I have two Sunday School dropouts and one who never went to Sunday School.  Also, one of them, the one who's never liked loud groups of strangers, dropped out of Vacation Bible School partway through. None of them had any interest in the tween/teen programs,** and I'm not the sort to push my kids into activities.  Bad church mother.***

Volunteer expectations?

I'm no good at (or just plain not interested in) the traditional things women are supposed to do at church.  I'm not patient enough to teach Sunday school (tried twice and hated it failed), and, quite frankly, I'm not interested in following somebody elses' curriculum.  I'm not much for cooking either.  Why don't we all just bring bag lunches?

Actually, I failed at that too.  The last time I went to a church event  where people brought bag lunches, most of them picked theirs up at Whole Foods or some other restaurant.  I just brought a sandwich, fruit, and carrots from home. 

Of course, I haven't even gotten to the teachings of churches.  There's all sorts of stress and failure there.  There has to be.  They want you to change what you're doing, and the easiest way is to guilt you into it.  Every denomination does it. 

Well, except for Father C's homilies because he focused on God's unconditional love for us.

Bizarre. I've never heard another preacher like that.

Choir is the exception to my experience of failure at church.  I've realized, particularly this summer in the musical, that I know where I'm supposed to be, I can sight-sing, and I can sing in tune and in harmony.  That is valuable, even if I'm not a high soprano.  I've also enjoyed church far more since I joined choir. 

That doesn't totally help, though, because I've failed at everything else I've done at church besides choir.  The building itself reminds me of my failure.  Just driving by any church that I've been a member of, either makes my blood pressure go up, or it makes me realize that I'm more relaxed because it's not Sunday.

Stress city.

I finally concluded that the health benefit of religious observances must be for those who naturally fit in to churches.  If you feel you're doing all your church requires, if you're raising your kids the same way as other church members, behave similarly in political ways, volunteer traditionally, and dress appropriately, I can see that the sense of in-ness and feeling like you have your place could be very soothing.

 

* The questioning, expressive part.

** ... except for daughter asking (repeatedly because I wasn't giving good enough answers) what the preteen/teen groups are for for:  "We already saw everyone at church on Sunday morning, and we'll be back on Wednesday for children's choir.  Why would I go again on Sunday afternoon?  How will I see my school-going neighbors that way?"

*** Well, I'm a bad church mother compared to what one is supposed to do with kids at church.  Interestingly, the results as adults have not been what one might expect, given my badness.  Older son has a few unusual attitudes towards church, but he's a dedicated choir member - and occasionally the solo bass.  Daughter started going to Mass again the first month of her freshman year at UNC-A and was confirmed last Easter.  Younger son and I are enjoying daily services again now that things have calmed down after our busy summer. 

Another "Can I be a Christian post..." (so you know and can avoid it if you're tired of these)/"Simple Joys" from Pippin

There is so much said about Christianity, but nobody seems to address the questions I have, most of which start with, "Can you be a Christian if..."

• ...you're an introvert.
• ...you have a tendency to depression.
• ...you're not good at politics.
• ...you're a regular middle-class mother who is passionate about the arts.

This latest one has been the one I've been dealing with lately.  I don't do mission trips (do you know how expensive those are?!  I haven't paid for a plane ticket since... Never mind.  My parents paid for plane tickets when I was in college.  Flying is expensive. I haven't flown in over two decades.).  I don't volunteer at soup kitchens - you have to be over 14 to do that, and I've had at least one child under the age of 14 for the last 23 years.  A major part of being a Christian is helping the poor, widows (who aren't related to you),* and orphans.  I don't do any of those. Not that I don't care, but there isn't any way that has ever come up beyond writing a check. 

I am currently increasing my volunteer time, but with what?  Community theater.  There's nothing about that in the Bible! I love it, though, and younger son is enthusiastic about it too.  That's not something to take for granted in a 12 yo boy.  

There's a blog I read called Tiny Buddha.  It has lots of wonderful advice about slowing down, being present in the moment, forgiving, the value of listening, etc.   There have been a few posts lately about doing what you're passionate about.  They really resonated with me, particularly one titled Knowing What You Stand For, which mentions, "we’re more apt to make a consistent positive difference, whether through charity or work, if we discover what moves us and then let that lead the way. Then it’s not just about supporting a cause–it’s about having a cause to do it."  When the author went on to ask, "What do you stand for–and why?" my immediate response was "Beauty and the arts."  However, what I'm passionate about, except for choir, isn't particularly Christian. 

I'm really wondering if I should just stop calling myself a Christian.  I wouldn't change what I believe, just what I label myself.* 

...

Okay, I'm back. I took a break to take cookies out of the oven (We don't do store bought cookies for the most part, except Girl Scout cookies.  Preservatives, etc., and they just don't taste as good) and to sing and dance around the kitchen along with Ben Vereen (on the Pippin CD I have in the mix tonight):

Twice.

Anyway, this whole topic came up again today.  A post I read at Introverted Church, about being an introvert with a newborn, says:

...Because, let's face it, I could easily while away the hours napping and nursing, checking my Facebook page hundreds of times each day, and researching all known facts about newborns. But is that what I should be doing?

It's obvious I won't be scrambling to find the nearest mommy-and-me playgroup...

...Okay, brief diversion here.  Her experience is so unfamiliar to me!  I felt barely sane and sentient when each of my kids was eight weeks.  They all had colic, and older son, the first one, had it the worst.  He screamed for about 12 to 14 hours for the first four months - except when I was walking him in the stroller, which I did for the entire morning.  Every morning.  Daughter didn't have colic as badly, but, at that point, I also had a 4 yo who was used to having all my undivided attention and was not pleased with me (he did think his sister was cute).  By the time younger son came along, I was homeschooling the older two.  "Whiling away the hours" doesn't go along with "new baby" for me.

And the playgroup I was in was a sanity saver.  I wasn't domestically inclined like most of the mothers I knew at church.  Our playgroup, however, was a green-before-it-was-popular group of Sierra Club type mothers.  We hiked (among other things).  Being an outdoorsy, active type who reads too much was just fine there.

And when my father passed away, the playgroup mothers were much more supportive and understanding than anyone I knew at that church.  People at church just avoided me until they could see that I could pretend to be normal again and not start crying.  Because of that experience, when my father-in-law passed away last Christmas, I only told two people at my current church, and I only told them because his cancer had come up in previous conversations.  I would have skipped church for a month or two, but daughter was back from college and singing with me in the choir.  I just tried to cry quietly during the time I couldn't get through a service dry-eyed.

I'm still in touch with the playgroup mothers occasionally.  I don't have any reason to be in touch with anyone from the church I went to back then anymore...

End of not-so-brief diversion.

The author of this post goes on to talk about starting ministry with her new daughter, which I can understand, but then one of the comments says:

...I have my comfortable first-world life in the suburbs, but what good is it?  My children, yes, are my first ministry, but what about serving the poor, helping the orphans and widows, mercy, justice, all the rest?  How do I live that out in a practical sense from where I am?...

And so I'm back to where I started, particularly since I went on to read Elizabeth Esther's blog, where she writes about her life-changing experiences on a mission trip in Ecuador. 

The things that resonate the most with me - things like bloom where you are planted (i.e. do what needs to be done where you are, or that presents itself to you) or getting involved with things you're passionate about - don't go along with, what seems to me, a more rational, church-based evaluation of what one should do. 

 

* I don't think that teaching an aerobics class that had a devoted contingent of widows counts either.  The club closed a few years ago, but I still miss the women (of all ages) in my class.  Oh, and the one man who came occasionally.

 * *What am I going to label myself?  A person-who-tries-to-follow-God-and-believes-Jesus-is-Divine-but-scary-at-times-and-who-thanks-God-constantly-for-the-beauty-of-nature-and-the-arts-and-for-her-family-and-for-the-wonderful-people-around-her.  It doesn't fit on a bumper sticker, though. 

[Photo:  Totally irrelevant photo of a Brugmansia at Duke Gardens.]