Being an INTJ-flavored INFJ

[Time for a leeetle bit of writing.  The previous three posts only had 7 or 8 sentences of mine in them.  I'm feeling a bit better today.]

I concluded a few months ago that I really was an INFJ, not an INTJ.  When I take Myers-Briggs online tests (I know, the ones done by professionals are far better.  Do you really think that I'm going to waste money taking one professionally - money that could be spent on books or music?!), I often end up being IXXJ, and even the J isn't all that strong.

I've written before about why I don't like the questions on the tests so I'll go back to my INFJ/INTJ split.  Because INFJ ways of relating are what gets dragged out of me in situations, I concluded that, at heart, that's what I probably am (and forget all this "which way do you prefer" stuff that comes out on tests.  It's not what I'd prefer - it's what I can't help but do).  There are still very appealing aspects of INTJ-dom.

I was reminded of this today as I looked at Frequently Asked Questions at INTJ Central* (recommended by If You Belonged Here**).  Some of it I could relate to very well; some not at all. Here's a selection (comments in bold are mine):

We INTJ's are über-introverts, so we prefer asynchronous and semi-anonymous forms of communication...
[Synchronicity:  I was just thinking this morning about my liking of asynchronous communication.  Possible blog post in that.]

Q:  My INTJ is trying to take over the world.  Should I be concerned?

A: Remember, he’s trying to take over the world for the betterment of everyone and everything. Just go ahead and let him. He’ll be happy and the world will be a more organized and efficient place...
[I would never want to take over the world, no matter how much I thought I could improve things (and I don't really think I could.  People are who they are.), because it would all go bad eventually anyway, and then it would be my fault.]

We judge ourselves more harshly than we judge others...
[Definitely.]

The next two are where I part company:

Q:  My INTJ isn’t sensitive to my feelings.  Should I take offense?

A:   We aren’t even sensitive to our own feelings.  Why should we be expected to be sensitive to yours?
[I am way too aware of others' feelings.  However, being an introverted NFJ rather than an extroverted one, and not a very verbal INFJ at that***, I'm not good at verbally responding to others' feelings (previous blog post on that) so I don't look nearly as sensitive as I am.]

Q:  Why doesn't my INTJ ever show emotions or feelings?

A: Because he doesn’t have any. Actually, that’s not strictly true; it’s just that we tend to get emotional about things you might not appreciate.
[I don't show them because I don't want to burden others with my emotions.  That's probably a hyper-polite thing rather than an INFJ thing since I share that with a certain ISFJ of my acquaintance.]

Back to more familiar territory:

Q:  My INTJ doesn’t care about me any more after he tried to explain his idea and I didn’t listen.  What should I do?

A: Ideas are of prime importance to INTJ’s, and disregarding or not listening to our ideas is the highest form of insult. Although INTJ’s do not hold grudges, neither do we go out of our way to associate with people who don’t give serious consideration to our ideas. You’ll be in damage control mode for quite some time, fighting an uphill battle to get back into our good graces...
[I would never not care about someone after they disregarded my ideas because INFJs care.  However, I would put them into the "people to listen to who won't listen to me" category (see previous post on "That's just what I do").  On the other hand, the fact that I don't let on that the other person did this does mean that they'll never have any idea that damage control needs to be done.]

Most INTJ’s hate gossip, and all of us hate talk of relationships.  We also don’t do small talk.  Try quantum physics, psychology, or some other deep (but non-touchy/feely) topic...
[I hate gossip, and don't care for small talk though I understand its importance and try to do it as well as I can.  I like to discuss relationships - that gets back to the INFJ caring part.  Deep conversation, though, that's what I love.]

Q:  Is it dangerous to annoy an INTJ?

A: First we will ignore you, then we will launch a volley of extremely witty but esoteric insults that will probably go right over your head, and finally we will just engage the "nod-and-smile" autopilot and go back to ignoring you. Best to leave us alone at this point. If you push us too far we may blow up your head with our telekinetic abilities. So, yes, it can be dangerous to annoy an INTJ.
[I just stick with ignoring/"nod-and-smile" because I wouldn't want to hurt the other person (see post on "That's just..." you get the picture).  The witty but esoteric insults I save until later to discuss with dear husband and older kids .]

Here are some INTJ pet peeves I share:

* We dislike surprises. [Not always, but often.]
* We hate having decisions made for us.
* We get particularly annoyed by attacks on our intelligence, competence, and integrity. [Previous post on this one, here]
* We hate it when people try to manipulate us. [Makes me furious because it shows a lack of respect.]
* Insincerity and lying.  [Definitely!]
* People interfering with our alone time.  [!!!!!!!]
* People who talk incessantly.  We will just engage our “nod and smile” autopilot and mentally go somewhere else.  [Yes.]
* People who are stupid, arrogant, opinionated, and/or closed minded.
* Salespeople.  INTJ’s are immune to emotional manipulation and have zero tolerance for lines of bullshit.  [Possible post about car salesmen in this one!]
* People who waste our time (see Salespeople, people interfering with our alone time, etc.). 

Q:  My INTJ keeps disappearing.  Is this normal?

A: Yes. We need our “alone time” to recharge, more so than any of the other introverted MBTI types. Being around people for very long sucks the life force out of us, and we sneak off to be by ourselves whenever our “low battery” warning light starts to flash. (And in those cases where we can’t disappear physically, we will retreat into our minds.) Consequently we have great stealth capability; we can sit in a corner, observing while being unobserved, and we can escape, unnoticed, when we’re ready to move on.
[I need "alone time" more than just about anyone I know, except older son.  Actually, I'm not sure it's that he needs it more or that I'm better at covering up the fact that I'm zoning out.]

Q:  Why can’t my INTJ remember anything?

A: This is normal. Most of us INTJs are very forgetful. We have too much going on in our heads at any time to remember a lot of new stuff. Also, we zone out and go into autopilot mode quite frequently. We often won’t remember where we put our car keys because we weren’t “there” when we did it.
[I have a limited number of places that I put my car keys or my glasses.  I put my glasses down in an unusual place this morning - only two feet away from a usual place. I spent five minutes wandering around the house looking for them.  It's always because I've got too much else going on in my head.]

Q: My INTJ employee consistently strolls into work an hour late and leaves an hour late, every day. He/she seems to make their own hours, however the job gets done rather well. Should I feel disrespected?

A: Time is relative to the INTJ, and getting the job done right is paramount. We do not like wasting our time, so we will often adjust our schedules accordingly to miss AM and PM rush-hour traffic. The more traffic we miss, the more time we have for books, movies, video games, books, message boards, books, etc. You should feel disrespected, although it has nothing to do with them not honoring your work rules; it has to do with them not thinking you are particularly smart or competent. If you were smart/competent, you wouldn’t be going on about getting your wittle bitty feewings hurt by your disrespectful but high-performing INTJ employee...
[Now, I never would actually say anything like this to anyone.  But I think it's very funny!  I would arrive and leave at the normal times while fuming that I couldn't work flextime in order to avoid traffic.  I definitely agree with the background thought to this sarcasm - which is that getting the job done well is the most important thing.]

I also like the ending of this FAQ:

Q:  Why does my INTJ just start nodding and smiling after we’ve been talking for a couple of minutes?

A:

Read the rest here.

* This demonstrates one difference between INTJs and INFJs.   INTJs have a very organized website with FAQ's and a discussion board.  From what I've read, even though attempts have been made, INFJs have never been able to keep an INFJ board going,  I'm not sure what this means about INFJs - even INFPs can keep a board going (however, INTPs, at their own board, deride the INFP board for being too "fluffy" or "touchy/feely").[BTW, did I ever mention that I read really fast?][In case you were wondering.]

** If You Belonged Here and The Sci Fi Catholic, someday, may catch up to BwP as sources of "Hey, look at this bright, shiny, unusual idea for me to play with!"  They'd be approaching a bit faster except that If You Belonged Here has been away and The Sci Fi Catholic gave up fiction for Lent (?!).

*** Except occasionally on stream-of-consciousness blog posts (so wipe that smirk off your face!).

[Older son took this photo of the fountain in the Italian Garden at Maymont in Richmond, VA.]

Comments

[DebD]

I took one of those tests a while ago (probably after you started blogging about it) and came up with ISFP. Its odd, because that pet-peeve list almost fits me to a tee! Also, the discussion on lack of feelings was very enlightening. I'm often called phlegmatic.

I guess I need to take a few more of these online tests.

[Rachel]

there's a great free resource at www.INFJ.com

[Groovy Mom]

Loved reading this. I related to most of what you said. This one elicited an inner "AMEN AMEN AMEN!" out of me:

[I am way too aware of others' feelings. However, being an introverted NFJ rather than an extroverted one, and not a very verbal INFJ at that***, I'm not good at verbally responding to others' feelings (previous blog post on that) so I don't look nearly as sensitive as I am.]

That has gotten me in trouble before with a certain person who goes out of her way to manufacture offenses against her. Her tendency to do so mixed with my inability to verbalize my sensitivity was a disaster waiting to happen.

[DF]

From my blog, as an INFJ you are Penelope, the long-suffering wife of Odysseus.

INTJ? Athena, the fan and divine helper of Odysseus.

Either way, it seems moominpapa is destined to be Odysseus.

[Moominpapa]

Let's see - that means I'm a liar (a good thing from the ancient Greek perspective it seemed) and I'm good with the ladies (keeping them at arm's length, sort of, while heading back to the one who has been so enthralled with me that she is staying loyal after all those years!)?

[DF]

LOL, and backing away slowly...

[M Light]

DebD: I think this pet peeve list could apply to a number of other types. What do you mean by phlegmatic?

Groovy: I think I know whom you mean? I think that sometimes there are people one just can't get along with, no matter how much you try - and it's even harder when one can't get away from them either!

[M Light]

The rest of you:
So, I get to be Penelope (weaving - I'm not that coordinated), avoiding suitors (ROFLOL!!!!!!! like I'd ever have any others!), and waiting around for my husband to get back from a trip (That one's depressingly familiar, but at least dear husband's trips are shorter!).

And I'd be married to... a liar (no way - I have no patience with that at all!), and someone good with the ladies (I don't even want to think about that).

But, I'd be enthralled with my husband and loyal so at least that fits.

Or, I could be Athena - though, from your description, DF, she sounds rather cold, and even cruel. Doesn't work for me, though the helping part sounds okay.

[DebD]

M-Light - Happy Easter. Christ is Risen!

A phlegmatic was a word I first heard used in more Protestant circles around 25 yrs ago, but I think it originated with the Greeks. It describes one of the four personality types - sanguine & melancolic being two others. In those types of tests I tend to be Melancholic/Phelgmatic with a higher propensity towards phlegmatic.

Do a check on "Four Temperaments" at Wikipedia or Google and see what you come up with.

[Groovy Mom]

:-) Good discussion!